Tag Archives: body issues

The two types of inattention

Everyone pretty much has this mind-eye picture of someone with ADHD: can’t settle, always on the go, can’t do just one thing. Blah blah blah. And you know what, that’s pretty accurate. The whole point is that somethings messing up the ability to focus. When my SiL mentions that to stay up, she just grabs a couple of projects to work on, that’s a huge shock to me — because I don’t have an attention span after about 7 pm. I’ve used it all up, no spoons left.

It was actually worse when I was in the call center, because there I had no breaks or moments to try to regain my focus. It was a constant, but I tried to make it serve the customer. That repeat what the person said trick? That was really me buying time to sort out what was actually said. I was good there. But I’m far better in my job now because if my attention wanders, I can take a few minutes and let it reset. I’m the single most productive member on the staff, and my supervisor pretty much takes a blind eye to my internet wanderings because my output is twice that of the rest.

My secret is that, these little wanders aside, I work until my focus is gone and then I switch it to something else work-related, like my insurance courses.

The other secret is that sometimes, I’m really not doing any work for hours.

Go back to  your mental image of someone with ADHD. That type of inattention is basically the brain going “PROCESS ALL THE THINGS” and attempting to do that by flitting from one to the other. I can actually harness this type at work: I look up a product, I compare a product, I search for a product, I read metafilter and bhuz. No biggie — I might not be able to settle on a single screen, but I don’t need to, I’ve modified the steps to service my needs. I can do that because I am aware of it thanks to my medication, and I can change it through behavior modifications.

But there’s a second form of inattention that I haven’t figured out how to deal with, and it’s why I came home from work early today. It’s basically zombie fog. You know that what you need to pay attention to is right in front of you, but its obfuscated and just out of reach. Eventually, your brain just starts fanning out, trying to find a way through the fog, but it just keeps getting lost along the way. You zone out, you day dream…it’s all very frustrating, because every redirection you take to whatever needs attention is still in the fog when you return to it.

This one happens to me more as I get tired, as my reserves dry up. So on days like today, when I’m sick and didn’t get much quality sleep? Once I’m at that point, the only thing I can do is wait it out until I basically have a hard reset, and I don’t know what that’ll take. I’m struggling with it now, and hoping I’ll get a reset before going to dance class.

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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized


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It’s that time of year…

It’s that time of year when the weather changes, and slowly, you can feel the coming onslaught and dread.

…wait, dread? Oh yes, because as the first snow hits my Central Illinois town, another important season begins.

It’s ibuprofen season! Yes, that wonderful time of year when chronic pain becomes far more than just an annoyance and blossoms into something that affects my daily life.

I wonder if, in the spirit of modern paganism and ritualizing daily life, I should create a festival.


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Posted by on December 9, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Oh Doctor…

I don’t generally go much to doctors. Since leaving my parents insurance, I haven’t had much luck with them, nor a whole lot of money to go. Even with my good insurance, it’s expensive (mostly, I never meet my deductible. Husband meets his quickly). But, I wanted back on meds and needed someone outside of myself to evaluate my hip pain.

Took two tries to go to the doctor this time, because of Grandpa’s funeral. I wanted to see a nurse practitioner this time, since I hated the doctor I was seeing. I had blood tests done a few weeks ago, and I am devastatingly healthy. In my head, this appointment should have been gone in, get prescriptions get out.

This time, I at least didn’t have to daring to have ADHD and being female. Instead, I get “Oh but you are so young, it can’t be bursitus!”. I get being skeptical since it was originally diagnosed by a campus doc, which is why I went to my then current doc, whom my family loves and adores, to get a second opinion. He concurred. I got physical therapy and an understanding that this pain will probably come and go.

This nurse practitioner, whom I did like, immediately wanted to do more tests — xrays, mri’s. Solely because I’m young. Never mind I have the risk factors, I’m young and its reoccurring. The xray I don’t really mind. I wanted one to see if there is an effect from other back issues. And she was thinking that the pain could also be caused by an unseen tiny fracture that healed poorly when I jumped down from my truck the day before the pain started. So, fair reasoning.

She justified an MRI with “we just don’t know!”. Which really, once I kinda realized the treatment is still going to be the same, I kinda stopped caring. Why get an expensive MRI when ibuprofen is the treatment anyways? When the only reason she has to want it is that I’m young. I have no problem with getting tests done, I just want there to be a reason.

Ahh well. I have orders for a xray, so I need to find the time to do that and I have meds to pick up after work. It’s gonna feel awesome to be medicated again. It helps everything.

Also, my hip was not hurting today until she started poking at it.

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Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Uncategorized


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Things that make me upset

…planning for a deipon, and then not being able to move due to chronic pain injury. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll recover enough for a nice Noumenia for the Hellenic new year. Which means another year where I try to actually follow a ritual calendar again.

Perhaps, if the painkillers actually start working and I can think a little clearer (or loopier, since it is vicoden), I can start working on determining what my calender is this year. I really want to simplify it. Noumenia, for certain. Dionysos offerings for certain. Perhaps at least once a month a more general offering to all the Gods. Then the festivals I connect with. That sort of thing.

Also, I’m actually worried: The docs always asked me if I my toes were numb. Well, they aren’t numb, but they are tingling. And my ankle hurts … considering that my injury is in my hip, that’s not a good thing.


Posted by on July 11, 2010 in Uncategorized


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Body Image, Bellydancing, Body Policing

I’m in the process of working on a choreography for a Belly dance student showcase; I’m horribly blocked creatively but I have to say something. I love my body because of belly dance. I’m not a large woman, nor am I a small one. I’m average and I most of the time am happy with that. But I love my body because of it’s averageness for one thing; with a bare stomach, my undulations look amazing. It ripples and you can see it better because of the fat layer. I’ve worked on the technique enough that it reflects in my body as just plain pretty. I don’t have a full length mirror at home, so while I’m choreographing, I’m checking out how the moves look in a dark TV screen. It’s not a particularly flattering view, but all I’ve been seeing is the reflection of how I feel about myself.

I look good. Even after a half-week of eating nothing but quick prep, fast food and a pizza, and feeling more than a little bloated, I look good to myself.

A few months ago, I tuned in to the fishmongering gossips at work as they did their daily celebrity dishing. Now, I tune into this a lot, because it can be a lot better than doing my actual work and it keeps me visible and liked amongst my coworkers to listen. But I promptly grew disgusted as one coworker took apart a celebrity down to the size of her ankles, saying that “If she’s going to be going out and visible, she needs to not be so fat”. I found it shameful and did my own, saying everything I loved about the celebrity in the photo and vowed to watch my own body shaming and policing. My coworker rolled her eyes at me (something she does frequently. I don’t quite fit her expectations of how women our age should be behaving) and went back to scanning gossip sites.

Since then, my own self-image has improved.  I still work to look my best, I work out and dance, and have gotten new clothing, but I’m focusing on my holistic health and appearance rather than a number on the scale. My yardstick is what I feel makes me look great rather than some other external number. And today, that yardstick was noticing my undulations. I’m pretty excited about them and the choreography now.  Next up is backbends and the strength I am developing to do them.

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Posted by on January 30, 2010 in Uncategorized


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