really, my only note on this is that I’m fairly certain that when this wine was given to my brother, they probably weren’t thinking that it wasn’t going to be used as part of a Dionysian festival.
But it was! And it was grand.
Pagan Blog Project: Ephemeral
As I mentioned in yesterdays post, I spent the time since last Friday helping my husband through the death of his grandmother. The funeral was Thursday, and very Catholic. It was actually my first Catholic Mass since they changed up the liturgy, and it was a little disorientation. Things I have known by heart since childhood have changed and while some weren’t hard (Nicene Creed was interesting to read) others would have tripped my tongue, if I had been responding (And with your spirit? I love the change, but boy, that would be hard!)
Already, what’s with all the Catholicism here, this is a pagan blog prompt. A few things, since I’ve gained a few new readers since I started the Blog Project; 1; I not only grew up Catholic, my oldest brother is a Catholic Priest, and I married into another family that is heavily Catholic and 2; growing up that way has impressed itself on my idea of ritual. I like smells, bells, and a little formality. I’m comfortable with Mystery and eating gods.
But it really impressed upon me just how ephemeral ritual, language, personhood and humanity is. One of my favorite bits of literature is from Ptolemy, “I know that I am mortal and the creature of a day; but when I search out the massed wheeling circles of the stars, my feet no longer touch the earth, but, side by side with Zeus himself, I take my fill of ambrosia, the food of the gods.”
One of the great aims of Mysticism is to give an idea of immortality to we mere mortals, and eat with (or you know, of…) the gods, and to give a little substance to our ephemeral natures.
When my mental Mass tripped over Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, and realizing just how old and young the phrasing is at once, I was struck again by just how wondrous it is that we keep reaching towards our gods, keep wanting both embrace and transcend our mortality.
Tomorrow begins Anthesteria, which is quite possibly the very best of Hellenic festivals: opening wine, the joy of life, the worst pains of life, and when the spirits of the dead walk. In Anthesteria’s three days, we experience Dionysos in his complexity.
I am still a horrible person
My husbands grandmother died on Sunday (hence, radio silence), and I think tomorrow’s post is going to deal with something pagan-y that came up.
But I think it’s important that I share just how horrible I am. They placed her casket in an epoxy-sealed vault before burial to keep it from the elements. I’m more assured that in case of zombies, she will not rise from her tomb.
It’s the little things, really. Kind of like when singing “On Eagles Wings” at the Church, and I don’t think of the Abrahamic God or Jesus. Nope, I think of Gandalf.
Pagan Blog Project: Dionysos part 2: The Ecstasy
Dionysos
or, reflections while I drink
Dionysos finds his Maenads among women who can’t stand any longer being locked into the domestic enclosure.
~Pagan Grace, Ginette Paris
So last week was all about the dangers of Dionysos: how he isn’t soft and safe. But now, you need to know why it’s worth it.
For those of you who don’t know me outside of blogging, I’m a contradiction myself. I’m a hyperactive introvert, socially awkward and fundamentally nervous about embarrassing myself. I’m also a performer, opinionated person who tries to live by the motto: What Would Mister Rogers Do?
The thing is, I have to break out of myself to perform. When I was a kid, and I was a choir girl, this was easier, because it was a group thing most of the time. But now, it’s hard. I dance by myself most of the time, and it isn’t nearly as anonymous as performing used to be.
And that’s Dionysos for me: the enabler and liberator, who allows me to access the parts of myself that I would not otherwise. Because of my repeated rituals, where I struggle (yeah, struggle) to enter a trance state, I’m also able to get outside of myself enough to dance in front of people.
I think it’s a pretty mundane example of the type of liberation that Dionysos can offer. Real liberation isn’t the bombastic; it’s the ability to choose and discern and see your freedom, even when your situation is limited.
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If Apollo is the kind of god who sheds light and illuminates the world, Dionysos is the fucking god that gives life to the world.
Dionysos is the god of the held breath, expectant and waiting for the next.
–
Dionysos is the god of the wild forest, of the wildlife creeping into the cityscape, pushing through cracks in the sidewalk, the weeds in the cultured suburban lawn. He will always take root, starting in the marginalized spaces: is there any wonder that he is lauded amongst the women, and coded as queer?
–
I think we take for granted the popular perception of Dionysos: as the drunkard, the partier, the oversexed god, reclining on a couch, fat and sated. This, the god of the aftermath is my god, too, but he is not the god who comes.
–
Okay, I am still the worst Dionysian ever. I’m drinking, sure. There’s a reason I didn’t talk about alcohol during this: I’m not much of a drinker. If wine exposes hidden truths, then my hidden truth is that I’m exhausted. Worst Dionysian Ever.
Pagan Blog Project: Dionysos part 1: The Agony
Welcome to week one of the D’s. And I decided that I’m going to write about the same thing for both weeks. Of course. Hi, my name is Nuri and I’m a Dionysian. I’m a little god-proud. This is not a perfect essay by any means, so feel free to argue in the comments.
Dionysos: The Agony
So, my notes for this entry start off with “Fuck it, Dionysos is dangerous”. and I mean it, he really really is.
What I want to do with this two-part entry is provide an introduction to Dionysos via a basic duality: Agony and Ecstasy. There is of course, a lot in between but it’s a start. So, again, fuck it, Dionysos is dangerous. To really honor Dionysos you have to bring madness in your life and let go of the structures that you have understood to be true for your entire life.
On a surface level, this just sounds awesome. I’ll be free from everything that’s kept me down my entire life. Some might realize that this also means that everything that supports you can be broken down too. If you can’t manage this, well, there’s a reason Dionysos is the god of madness. I’ve often wondered if the rate of depression is higher than the average in Dionysians, during the times when that breakdown isn’t managed well. Would be interesting.
Dionysos is the breaker of bonds, yes, but freedom from bonds isn’t the freedom to do whatever you want. What happens isn’t utopia, because you are left with an enormous responsibility: You have to replace the restrictions, the rules and your boundaries. It’s freedom, yes, but it’s a terrible type. Dionysos takes your worldview and breaks it into little pieces. If you can’t rebuild it…well, it can be enough to find the darker side of Dionysos’s madness.
Dionysos does not shy away from taking people past the brink; he’s been there himself. When Hera finds the young God, he goes mad (somehow) and wanders across Greece, Egypt, Syria, and all the way to India. Along the way with his throng of followers, he teaches his ways: cultivation of vines and wine, creating villages and meeting people, and being cured of his madness by Kybele or Rhea, depending on the myth. Those who saw Dionysos for who he is and his divinity were blessed, and the Kings and sailors who didn’t, who not just didn’t honor him but denied him, were driven past that point, and none more famous than Pentheus.
Dionysos does not just punish Pentheus for his transgression, he does so by sending his mother to madness, and she tears her own son apart. Pentheus was terrified of the mad women, and is killed in what has to be the most offensive way possible to him.
–
And you can be careful, you can have the best of intentions and still struggle and hedge on just this side of madness. Here’s my own story.
My interest in Dionysos had been pretty strong since I started in Hellenic Paganism, but it was still mostly academic and mostly one-sided. Until I slipped into a near-trance like state in the bathtub, and when I came out it took hours to get into a state where I was able to coherent, and days to recover from a depressive funk. Turns out, ecstasy turns to agony quickly when you aren’t prepared for it. As academically interested I was, I was not prepared to have the support beams knocked out. In many ways, I’m still recovering from that single experience, and if I hadn’t had other structures to cling to (schoolwork and going to classes is calming) and to help me build back up, I don’t know if I would be able to figure this out now.
But I have found this experience worth it. Dionysos is dangerous, but so many good and worthy things are.
Next week? The Ecstasy, and possibly the reasoning of why I am the worst Dionysian ever.
Simple Womans Daybook 2/13
Hello there new readers! For those unawares, I complete The Simple Womans Daybook as a devotional activity for Hestia. I urge others wanting to cultivate a relationship with her to do something similar.
FOR TODAY
Outside my window…it’s snowing slightly, and it’s much more likely to ice over. Nothing I’m really happy about.
I am thinking…about the differences between dwelling property insurance forms, homeowner H0-3′s, and mobile home insurance. The life of a Dionysian is always thrilling.
I am thankful…for previous jobs that help me in my thrilling life in insurance. You never know when you are going to need to know how to locate assistive technology.
In the kitchen…I have a pork roast and potatoes going. Nothing spectacular, but nice for a weekday meal.
I am wearing…I’ve changed since I got back from the gym, so sweats and a t-shirt.
I am creating…a new choreography for next months showcase, and possibly an audiodrama. Very loosely working on the latter.
I am going…I’d rather talk about where I’ve been. I went to the Raqs Arcana show in Chicago on Saturday. It was epically awesome, and I somehow ended up at a vegan restaurant, with a seitan french dip. I’m not huge on faux meat, but it was the bread that was lackluster. The sweet potato fries however, were amazing.
I am wondering…You write one little entry about cock…
I am reading…Random regency novels, the second of the Kushiel series, the last of the Nantucket novels, and about 4 magazines. And studying materials. I’m a little scattered lately.
I am hoping…for a nice, quiet week with random appearances by good friends.
I am looking forward to…a couple of rarely seen friends coming into town.
I am learning…Personal Insurance. Yay continuing education.
Around the house…it’s a mess. See going to Chicago this weekend for the reason.
I am pondering…whether to work on my choreo or just sit on the couch for a change. It’s a nice choice.
A favorite quote for today… ““Approach, what’s the tower?”
“That’s a big tall building with glass all around it, but that’s not important right now.” “
I might be re-reading my old work, and this was an intro quote to a chapter.
One of my favorite things…Ariellahs red trumpet skirt. And one of those chain vests that one of the local troupes had.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Dinner out before dance class on Wednesday with friends. I’m just chilling this week.
A peek into my day…I finished up a claim for someone who I swear, must be a pagan elder, based on their book collection, then some assistive tech, then I lost focused and studies. Did a quick workout (nuri hate cardio day!), and came home to cook and write blog posts.
(add your picture here)
Pagan Blog Project: Culture and, well, Cock.
At last, caught up. And we are on the C’s. I had fun with this one, but I’m looking forward to only doing one at a time.
Cultures
To be pagan means that you have to explore cultures. Modern, Ancient, near and far, open and closed and all in between.
Wait, closed? What the heck is that?
One of the biggest complaints against Eclectics is that they explore things shallowly, and not making the connections in context. And one of the big things about our modern internet culture is about being open and free to make connections where we see fit. This is wonderful, reinforcing that humanity is closer to each other than we want to believe sometimes, and can be somewhat othering-destroying and unifying. There’s a problem though, what do we do when the cultures we want to explore say no, this is not yours?
This is one aspect of a closed culture, and an ethical question that pagans will probably have to face at some point. We don’t like being told no. At least I don’t, but I also feel it’s important to respect cultural boundaries. It’s basically a question of do your research when you are working with a culture not your own.
In my own ethical thinking, I deal a lot with context: Where is the closed culture coming from? Most of the time, it’s based on wanting to preserve their uniqueness. Sometimes though, it’s more fear of change. I do see a difference between the two, and I distinguish the two by seeing what happens when someone within the culture wants to make a change. A Closed Culture will evaluate and make room, a fearful one with want to squash it out.
There’s no perfect answer to how to work with culture not your own, and especially closed ones. The best actions I’ve found is to start with a foundation of respect, research and active listening.
Cock
Now, I’m not as unabashed a cock worshiper as Sannion is. But when you get down to it, Ancient Greece was all about the cock. Phallus everywhere, and trust me, I have an English degree, we are trained to see phallus where there is none, and the Greeks? They loved it. They piled representations of cock in baskets, stacked rocks for symbolism, and because there are gods in all things, there’s Priapus.
The hammer is my penis.
So hey, I’ve got a god with a giant dick who guards gardens and goats, and merchant sailors. And what protects can hurt, and myth is full of sexual assault, rape, and just plain sexual WTF-ness. Cock guards the boundaries, and, yep, penetrates them.
If you are going to be pagan, if you are going to embrace the aspects of paganism that deal with nature, fertility, ecstasy and mystery, you got to get comfortable with the penis. It’s an omnipresent symbol and fact of reality. Cock is at the beginning of all things. Want to play an awkward pagan game? Which came first, the dick or the womb?
Also, cocks are fun to play with.
Pagan Blog Project: Building and Bromios
Building
Yep, I’m cheating on this one. Building, why building? In the way I’m thinking of it, it’s not the physical building at all, but the metaphorical action. I am building relationships with gods and with mortals, I am building new skills and laying them upon my foundation.
Hellenics have a concept of arete, or excellence. You really can’t do that without a commitment to building. If you seek excellence in what your word and actions, you start with very little and build as you go. I’m learning how to weight lift, and I’ll probably soon turn it into a devotional activity (build a ritual around it), and I started not even able to deadlift the bar. A few months later, and I’ve hit my first milestone, getting over a hundred pounds.
It’s the same when you devote yourself to a religion, to gods, or whatever mix. You start with whatever you have and just keep going.
Bromios
Just another epithet of Dionysos….what, you thought I’d go into Bacchus already? That can wait until we hit the D’s. This one means loud, boisterous — and often relating to thunder. As the son of Zeus, this is appropriate with multiple layers of meaning.
Now, I’m the worst Dionysian ever — but friends keep telling me that parties, a true outpouring of the Dionysian spirit, are pretty loud and boisterous. And drumbeats over a large space sound very much like a good thundering.
Pagan Blog Project: Apollo/Artemis
I’ve been hounded into doing this. Which is fine by me, all the merrier to get me actually on a blogging schedule instead of random life updates. I’m a few weeks behind on the prompts, so I’m going to combine the letters and get caught up that way.
The prompts for A are first up, and I’ve chosen to go with Apollo and Artemis as the obvious first choices. Pictures are from the ever amazing Theoi.com.
Apollo
What force, what sudden impulse thus can make
The laurel-branch, and all the temple shake!
Depart ye souls profane; hence, hence! O fly
Far from this holy place! Apollo’s nigh;
He knocks with gentle foot; The Delian palm
Submissive bends, and breathes a sweeter balm:
Soft swans, high hov’ring catch the auspicious sign,
Wave their white wings, and pour their notes divine.
Ye bolts fly back; ye brazen doors expand,
Leap from your hinges, Phoebus is at hand.
~from Callimachus ‘s Hymn to Apollo, translated by H. W. Tytler
Apollo has long been considered the most Greek in character of all the Hellenic gods. Indeed, reading through a list of what he is interested in, is an insight into what the Ancient Greeks thought about themselves. Truth, light, prophecy, medicine and the arts…not to mention through the fruits of those arts, masculine beauty. And I think these things aren’t all that removed from what we consider important either.
For all this, he’s also complex. Like layers upon layers. He embodies that idea of those that heal can also harm. He’s the god of healing, but also the god of plagues. Like his father, he has a complex love life. He’s a skirt chaser, but rarely does he get the girl or nymph — and one of my favorite parts is that the women he loves change because of this chase. Things don’t usually end well for them, but a high flung love affair rarely does anyways.
Here is a god who shines a light on the people who follow him, and inspires them to perform at their best. What I have found to be the best way to follow and honor Apollo is to be your very best and live up to the changes that happen when he has shined that light. Bonus points if it’s in his sphere of influence: music, arts, medicine, and of course, divination. Unlike say, Dionysos, a more ordered approach is usually more well-received.
My personal experience with Apollo has lessened in the past few years, but not to any particular detriment or poor relationship. Gods can just come and go as needed. But Apollo is the god that lead me to Hellenic paganism, through a series of signs and dreams during my first year of college (crows just kept following me around. The same ones. College crows may not be scared of people, but they don’t stay outside the same dorm window for days at a time, while you are having Apollo-themed dreams). No matter what, Apollo is the god who gave me over to his family, and I’ve been happy in their sandbox since.
Artemis
Muse, sing of Artemis, sister of the Far-shooter, the virgin who delights in arrows, who was fostered with Apollo. She waters her horses from Meles deep in reeds, and swiftly drives her all-golden chariot through Smyrna to vine-clad Claros where Apollo, god of the silver bow, sits waiting for the far-shooting goddess who delights in arrows.
Homeric Hymn to Artemis, translated by H.G. Evelyn-White.
Unlike a lot of people, Artemis has never been a goddess that I’ve connected with. As the female twin, I can begin to approach her that way, but I think we’ve always been at odds with each other. I’ve long for attachment and she wants none of it. I see why people, women especially love and honor her. There’s so much to admire, a woman who wants to try to live for herself and not at the mercy of anyone else. She’s femininity at its base, primitive roots: nature and childbirth, animals and arrows, and a dangerous beauty. And she will fiercely defend her own autonomy, by force when needed.
But there’s good reason that women have been drawn to her, and I don’t think it has anything to do with her Moon connection. It’s that she’s choosing for herself how to be defined, and it’s not by another person (except perhaps, her Father. But how can we escape being defined by our families?) but by her actions. She’s defined by what she does –hunting and playing in the woods with friends, assisting in childbirth. And she skirts between childhood and motherhood, the teenager seeking out her place in the world. What woman wouldn’t identify with that?
So what does this mean if you want to pay her honor? In daily life, be yourself and don’t be ashamed or afraid of it, no matter if you link yourself to another person and go in your own way. Develop your own interests and individuality. I’ve found that there are gods and goddess that respond best to living our their values in modern daily life, and Artemis is one of those for me. For her I be the best sister, and try not to let other people define me too much, and not at the expense of my own values and interests.
The two types of inattention
Everyone pretty much has this mind-eye picture of someone with ADHD: can’t settle, always on the go, can’t do just one thing. Blah blah blah. And you know what, that’s pretty accurate. The whole point is that somethings messing up the ability to focus. When my SiL mentions that to stay up, she just grabs a couple of projects to work on, that’s a huge shock to me — because I don’t have an attention span after about 7 pm. I’ve used it all up, no spoons left.
It was actually worse when I was in the call center, because there I had no breaks or moments to try to regain my focus. It was a constant, but I tried to make it serve the customer. That repeat what the person said trick? That was really me buying time to sort out what was actually said. I was good there. But I’m far better in my job now because if my attention wanders, I can take a few minutes and let it reset. I’m the single most productive member on the staff, and my supervisor pretty much takes a blind eye to my internet wanderings because my output is twice that of the rest.
My secret is that, these little wanders aside, I work until my focus is gone and then I switch it to something else work-related, like my insurance courses.
The other secret is that sometimes, I’m really not doing any work for hours.
Go back to your mental image of someone with ADHD. That type of inattention is basically the brain going “PROCESS ALL THE THINGS” and attempting to do that by flitting from one to the other. I can actually harness this type at work: I look up a product, I compare a product, I search for a product, I read metafilter and bhuz. No biggie — I might not be able to settle on a single screen, but I don’t need to, I’ve modified the steps to service my needs. I can do that because I am aware of it thanks to my medication, and I can change it through behavior modifications.
But there’s a second form of inattention that I haven’t figured out how to deal with, and it’s why I came home from work early today. It’s basically zombie fog. You know that what you need to pay attention to is right in front of you, but its obfuscated and just out of reach. Eventually, your brain just starts fanning out, trying to find a way through the fog, but it just keeps getting lost along the way. You zone out, you day dream…it’s all very frustrating, because every redirection you take to whatever needs attention is still in the fog when you return to it.
This one happens to me more as I get tired, as my reserves dry up. So on days like today, when I’m sick and didn’t get much quality sleep? Once I’m at that point, the only thing I can do is wait it out until I basically have a hard reset, and I don’t know what that’ll take. I’m struggling with it now, and hoping I’ll get a reset before going to dance class.
